I’m thankful for this opportunity to write what I’m thinking because people are asking or assuming what I am thinking anyway. Yes, I am graduating and no, I do not know what I am doing after May 31. I plan on staying in my apartment until June 3 at noon, which is when I have to move out according to my lease. At least I was given a couple of days as a graduating senior. So after June 3 I don’t know what I will do. It’s been exciting to think about churches I could imagine myself serving in as friends and fellow graduates contemplate their futures and I check out the listings on the Presbyterian jobs website. I still have to wait for another ordination exam and some more months to finish my candidacy stage. I have applied to a non-ordained ministry position but I am still waiting to hear if I was accepted. Applying for that position and interviewing were great learning opportunities, and exciting as well, again trying to imagine myself serving the church and wondering how the work would play out among the people I would work with and the people I would work for.
I still have to graduate – but I’m not adding “God willing” to the end like I used to. I added that soon after my first year because term after term I felt like I was just getting by, that surely some test score would pull me down and my GPA would get too low. I kept getting what I needed, sometimes not much more than that. I’ve had my struggles and found help for them, even when they would not go away. Turns out I really did need a small group of guys way more than I realized. I’ve been supported in so many ways to survive and thrive. As I write this I still know that I will graduate only as God wills because I can’t pull this off by myself.
I like what we have read and studied but I wish I didn’t have to spend so much time doing it. This has been a time of cramming. Even in this last month I sometimes have to fight it out to try and finish the book or reading required for the next class. Getting this work done does give me a sense of accomplishment. I suppose its naive to think I’ll have more time to read more leisurely. I do hope to have more time to read some of the books I put on my online wish list. I wish I felt more confident but I will still continue to serve where I understand God to be calling me. I have studied great things and learned from great professors.
Paul Spangler is a senior MDiv Student.